Oh hello.

So, I have nothing deep or insightful to say today, so instead, I shall share with you some things that you really don't need to know! :D

First of all, I would really like to do this when I'm older...



Next, The Renegade Librarian posted a Spring Appraisal awhile ago, and I would like to follow suit and post my version...

SarahPee's Spring 'Even-Though-it's-Almost-Summer' Appraisal

Things I have in abundance:

stuffed animals that have human names
a witty sense of humor
injuries
advanced math skillz
unused sunday school lesson materials
allergies
artistic ability
wooden disposable cutlery (not sure why...)
good taste in music
grey clothes
sports skills
the ability to do tedious and repetitive jobs
blog posts

Things I lack:

an attention span
good eyesight
a pet who can fetch (although my fish can jump on command)
paints :[
matching socks
tidy bedroom (which could explain the socks)
black pens
super hero abilites
cooking skillz

Overall: It was much harder to think of things that I lack than things I have in abundance. That, I think, is evidence of the blessed life I have. :]


Third: Today I have been listening to lots of music, because no one is home and I can. So far, I've listened to a lot of The Black Crowes, The Hip, Soundtrack to Chronicles of Narnia, and Jack Johnson. Favourite song of the day: Regina Spektor's The Call. Look it up.

Lastly, you will notice some change to the site. I've added a 'Why do I blog' button, which you will have never read before (although I've posted on Why I blog multiple times), and 'About' section, at the bottom of page (which you can get to by clicking 'More stuff', and cool Contact Me form that makes sending me a message super duper easy! You should all contact me with suggestions for how I can make this blog layout better! :D

Bedtime.

Well.

You have probably noticed the new blog layout.
Spiffy, I know.

I liked the other one, but... The big banner grew old fast.
Still working out some kinks with this one, but, given the fact that it's almost 2 AM, I think I shall head to bed now and finish working on this in the morning...

Sounds like a plan.

This is what my reality looks like...

Psalm 103:1-4

Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.


I have struggled so much in the last few years... Struggled with my self-esteem, struggled with how I see God, struggled with feeling so alone... Struggled with things I didn't have any control over, and things I caused. Struggled with things I didn't(and don't) even know I'm struggling with...

My mind has run rampant with pure and utter hatred that life isn't fair, and there isn't a logical reason for everything that happens. I've wrestled with the question 'why' and then 'why not' and still don't really have a grasp on any answers. I have felt a brokenness within me, that if not contained could very well break my spirit and leave me a shattered-shadow of a person.

As you can see, its been pretty rough.

Now I realize that its all a mixture of natural human emotion and very specific spiritual warfare... And in keeping that in mind, I know that I have to keep my eye on the prize, that I have to keep praising my God. I look at Job, and he refused to "curse God and die"...he kept his eyes towards heaven. I look within myself and see an ocean of possibilities and my only hope in this is God. So as I enter into what I am hoping to be a big turning point for me, I'm going to stand firm on God's truth that "sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning". I believe God is challenging me to hold on to my dreams and keep them close to my heart... Despite present circumstances.

So...what dreams am I holding on to.
At the moment... I don't know. I guess I want to grow up. I want to live close to my family and friends. I want to learn how to let myself smile again. My view has been clouded for so long but I promise you, that the sky is breaking and I can start to see the sun shine. I want to know people, be involved in their lives, listen to them and care about them. I want to be an example of God's Love to everyone around me. I want to love others, and I want to love myself...

So I can choose to be completely misreable and sad, and slide back into grieving...or I can choose to hold tight to my dreams, and get buckled in...because once you choose to believe in your dreams, God takes you on a wild ride. I'm sure that they'll be a few set-backs along the way, probably all due to me taking my eye off the prize...

But for now, I've shed enough tears... I'm choosing to buckle my seatbelt.

Actively Pursuing Hope...

I can't say how organized/unorganized this blog post is going to be. I am gathering my thoughts and stumbling through some new feelings I have.

I've always had a strong sense of faith. I've never really wondered about whether or not God exists, but I have had an increasing and alarming rise in hopelessness in my life over the past few months. I could sit and blame it on the timeline of things I was experiencing, I could blame it on my complete lack of quiet time with God, I could blame it on anything and everything.

But I'm choosing not to blame it on anything, I'm going to stand up and take full blame for this one. In my head I had let a rush of fears come in, clouding my vision of the future, and leading me to a lane of (almost) pure hopelessness. I have walked with an intense fear that I will never be the same, never feel 'normal' and never feel loved. I let this fear fill me more and more until I reached a crossroads. A crossroads where I could choose to continue in my destructive thought patterns or I could make the decision to Actively Pursue Hope (yay for conscious choice!)

So I'm trying. When my fears start to rise or the loneliness overwhelms to the point I feel as if I cannot breath, I push those thoughts out of my head. I am Choosing to pursue hope, to run after it full speed with my arms stretched open, reaching to grasp this beautiful unknown gift I have yet to fully understand, and the more I run after it the bigger it gets in my life. And until the next chapter of my life begins and my hope becomes reality, I am choosing to continue running after it without thought to the unknown I face.

"there is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off"
-Proverbs 23:18
"Once you choose hope, anything's possible"
-Christopher Reeve
"Sanity may be madness but the maddest of all,
is to see life as it is, and not as it should be"
-Don Quixote
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow"
-Albert Einstein
"Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality,
If you can dream it, you can make it so"
-Belva Davis
"May the love hidden deep inside your heart
find the love waiting in your dreams.
May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow
Wipe away the pain in your yesterday"
-Unknown

For me, having hope for my future is definitely new territory for me. I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment where I reached my crossroads. Maybe it was watching the movie "Yes Man", where the main character who was lonely and living a pathetic life was radically changed when he began to actually try things he never had before. Maybe it was reading other peoples stories of healing. Maybe it was sitting down with some people I love and really realizing things need to change. I'm not sure if it was one thing in particular, but through the progression of things in my life lately, I can see a clear, and wonderful future for myself. A future full of love, restoration and Hope!


I'll try to keep you updated... :]

3-in-1

I've been making an efort to read my bible/pray/take some quite time every morning... In my quiet time this morning I read John 7. This chapter begins with Jesus' brother's telling Him that He should go to Judea so that His disciples could see the miracles that He was doing because "no one who wants to become a public figure acts in secret" (vs. 4). Verse 5 tells us that at this time Jesus' brother's didn't believe in Him.

I can sense a bit of sarcasm in Jesus' brothers voice as they spoke to Him: "Come on Jesus, you want to be popular, right? You want everyone to follow you, right? You should go to the biggest event in town and show your stuff off. This is your opportunity Jesus. Show the crowds what you got!" They figured this was the best time for Jesus to show Himself off. Of course, Jesus knows their hearts and tells them it was not the right time.

I love Jesus' response in verse 6. Jesus says: "The right time for me has not yet come; for you any time is right. " (emphasis added by me) Ouch! Jesus' brothers didn't get it (or more specifically, they didn't get Jesus). As I was reflecting on this, it made me think: How often am I like Jesus' brothers? How often do I think I know what God's timing is? How often do I rush into things because the time seems right? How often does Jesus need to rebuke me and say: "The right time has not yet come"? How often do I get mad at God for not acting at the right time?

I want to be sensitive to God's leading and I want to follow His timing. I am learning that in order to do this I need to be in constant communion with God, I need to be aware of His constant presence with me and I need to be listening for His still small voice. How do you stay sensitive to God's leading so that you can follow His timing?

* * *

Over the last year I have learned a LOT about changes that I have needed to make in my life. I have learned about how to be a better communicator, how to be a better listener, how to handle conflict in healthier ways, how to differentiate myself and a whole host of other good things. Lots of these things are a constant learning process, which can always be improved upon...

Learning about these things has been good BUT real change isn't going to happen unless I actually put these things into practice, right? A big part of putting these things into practice is first dealing with my thought life (specifically faulty thoughts and beliefs). Jud Wilhite in his book "Eyes Wide Open" says: "Change won't last until we take control of our thought life and replace destructive thoughts with biblical ones" (pg. 125). I have found this to be absolutely true in my life, in many shapes and forms.

Before I can I truly bring about real change in my life I have to first deal with the faulty beliefs/thoughts that have led to my unhealthy patterns/ways of doing things. The Bible has a lot to say about this. Romans 12:2 says: "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Transformation starts in the mind, with a different way of thinking. To bring about this transformation of the mind we must actively take control of our thoughts today. We can't be passive or lazy about them. This involves hard work, a conscious effort to change how we think (I like doing things consciously, making decesions and thinking about what we are doing.)

A big part in overcoming faulty and destructive thoughts is being able to recognize them. The way we do this is by taking our thoughts and comparing them to the truth (God's word). Jesus told us that the truth will set us free... We have to remember what God says about us. When I hear a voice in my head saying that I am not worthy and God doesn't care about me, I counter that by speaking God's Word to myself. I have to remind myself of passages that override the faulty thoughts that play in my mind. Passages like Romans 8:1-2 which says "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." and Romans 8:38-39 which says: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." In doing this I let God’s word establish what is true and what is not true for me.

* * *

Speaking of truth...

I just finished reading Angry Conversations with God, a book I would highly recommend to anyone... This book has got me thinking. How do I think of God? What are my misconceptions about the 'person' God is?

I think my 'god' is a cliche speaking, patting on the head, "you're so pitiful I'll pretend to love you so that the world seems better" kind of god. Which is not true at all, but the unfortunate reality of how my mind imagines God to be...

The first step in changing that idea, though, is realizing that it's just that. An idea. Not reality.
What's your god like?

Fire-side Conversation...

I went camping with a group of friends this weekend, and we had some great conversations... A continual theme kept cropping up though, and it made me start to think. Or, I should say, it stirred old thoughts...

There is an old song that goes, “They will know we are Christians by our love”. Sadly, I'm not sure how true this is... According to research (and fire-side conversation), Christians are not being known for love, either of each other, or of those outside of the faith.

The entire New Testament is based on two principles: Truth soaked in Love. Everything that Jesus did was motivated by these principles and in everything the early Church did, they strived to likewise live these out. Somewhere in recent Church history, we lost the element of Love and began focusing primarily, almost solely, on Truth. And now today, there is a movement of Christianity that, in an attempt to rectify past wrongs, focuses primarily on Love, fearing to bring Truth to light.

Can't we just find a happy medium?!

I have long known that we (Christians) are not viewed always viewed as people who do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly and are commonly viewed as having a ad impact on society, but its still hard to hear people say it. It isn’t even the negative perception I struggle with. There will always be people who disagree with what I believe. What bothers me is why we are perceived negatively. It seems to be often because of hurt.

Christians aren’t perfect. We make mistakes. But we also struggle to admit when we are wrong. We struggle to accept people as they are. I don’t think it’s just a Christian thing. It’s a people thing. But a Christian is a Christ-follower, and based on that title, our model of how to live is Jesus Christ. He accepted people exactly as they were. He called a tax collector (considered the bad guys of society) to be in his closest circle of followers. He accepted the sacrifice of a “woman who had lived a sinful life”. He was present when a woman caught in the act of adultery was dragged into the street to be stoned and he released her. He convicted those wishing to stone her such that they all finally walked away without a single stone being thrown. And then, as if he didn’t know exactly what had happened, he turned to the woman and asked, “Where are they? Has no one condemned you?”“No one, sir,” she responded.“Then neither do I condemn you,” he said. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

What a man! What a God!

I don't know how to find that happy medium, but something tells me I won't be able to do it on my own.

Argh.

Why am I awake?

It's 3:30 on a Monday night, and I am seriously thinking that I may not sleep at all tonight.
Not because of lack of trying, let me tell you. I dutifully laid in bed for 3 hours before finally giving in a bringing out the laptop.

Okay, so, zero sleep is a lie. I did fall asleep around 12:03ish (because thats the lst time I remember seeing on the clock) and then was awoken by nightmares at 12:19. I figure I probably got less than 15 minutes of sleep, and quite possibly less that 5 minutes of undisturbed sleep.

Why can't I just rest?!

Pissing me off. Might as well do something with my time though... Stay tuned for a blog post. :]
And by stay tuned, I mean there will be one coming later tonight, but you (the reader) have probably already read it, assuming that you do not check my blog before I post it. If you ARE checking my blog around 3:30 am... You need to sort out your priorities.

I'm just sayin'.

The Little T-Pro!

Tonight I went to Tim Hortons with my sister, for a nice spot of dinner. After (finally) getting all of our food, we found a place to sit and began eating, as is custom in most fast food places. My sister, being the starving, bottomless pit most 13 year olds are, had ordered a soup and sadwich combo (and took my donut). She was basically double-fisting, sandwich in her left-hand, soup spoon in her right. Suddenly she stopped eating, and started down at her soup.
"This feels weird, because I usually eat with my left hand, and I'm eating with my right!" she said, out of nowhere. Promptly, she set down her sandwich and Took her spoon in her left-hand. She paused for a moment, then declared to herself, "Wait, no I don't!" and continued eating, switching back to spoon in right-hand, sandwich in left.

Believe me, it was funny. Guess you had to be there.

* * *

While I'm talking about me sister, I'm sitting watching a movie with her, and so far, she has smelled her armpit twice in the last half hour. I asked her about it the first time, and she said to check if it was her that stank. She decided it was. I don't know why she smelled it once more.

Wow. We cannot stop laughing right now. So good.

* * *

It's official. I'm getting casted on Thursday. Not the full body, and only for a few days. Still, it's going to be quite the experience... I'm also getting glasses tomorrow... Big week.

I'll make sure to post pictures.

5 things, x 2

Reading through some blogs, thought I'd borrow (aka steal) a post from Michelle...

5 Things the World Would be Better Without

1. Wasps. At least bees die when they sting you.
2. Urban SUVs By this I mean the big off-roader looking things that were never designed to go off road. The "RAV4" type things. Inefficient, unneccesary and pointless. Driven mostly by stay-at-home suburban mothers and wannabe gangsters.
3. Nickelback Y'all know what I mean.
4. Too much ice in drinks We pay big bucks for a refreshing drink and half of it is water (in solid form)!
5.Clocks that are fast/slow/just wrong in general. It's just plain mean.

My own personal addition, in the spirit of positive thinking...

5 Things the World Would be Better With!

1. More Stuffies with Names Like Douglas! And Snuff!
2. Flowers that make music Not only would they smelly pretty, they'd sound pretty too!
3. Clouds with faces Sunny clouds = :] Rain clouds = :[ Awesome, yes?
4. Pretty toilets. Just because everything needs to feel pretty at some point.
5. Scratch n' Sniff stickers Oh wait! They DO exist!

Short post...

I got a fish!
His name is Mr Cornelious Bear.
And he is NOT allowed to be called Sir Crap Bag (which is what my sister insists on calling him). Grr.

He is very cute, and he eats a lot. I don't mind that, cause I think fat fishies are cute.

Pictures will come, I just can't seem to get the memory card to upload pictures... Stupid PC...

- - -

Results of the poll are pretty unanimous... Design is liked. And someone *ahem-mowii* likes potatoes. I'm going to be changing a few things on the site, mainly the size of the banner image. Gonna down-size a bit... Also going to try to figure out how to change the pool font colour so that it's easier to read.

New poll up.

- - -

You may have (but probably haven't) noticed a new link on the navigation bar... That's right, I have an art site now! After many requests to see art, and getting tired of loading them on to facebook, I've decided to start an Art Blog! Still working on the layout and stuff, but I think it's looking pretty good so far... I'll keep y'all updated on it, cause I know everyone is just dying to see some of my work. :P

- - -

One month of school left, including weekends. And then we have exams.

After that, I'm in Grade 12. Scary.

Better start studying, methinks.

May 8th, A good day

I had a really really really great afternoon.
This afternoon was the best part of my week.
So far, it's been the best part of May.
And the people who made it so awesome probably don't even know I loved it.

I was at the library this afternoon, and there was a small 'good-bye' party for Matt, even though he is working tomorrow and has a shift there on Tuesday... It was a 'Good-bye Matt and see you on Tuesday!' party.

ANYWAY, the librarians at Central were having a party (an excuse to eat cake/cookies/chocolate covered strawberres) and they invited me!
Not only did they invite me, but they talked to me!

Librarians and people who worked at the library made me feel right at home (which is suiting, as I spend almost as much time at the library as I do at home...) But, seriously, it was so AWESOME. Like, just being invited to come to their special little get-together, and then be acknowledged... Sounds like I'm really lame or something, but it was seriously the highlight of my week.

:]

I'm glad it happened. I'll stop sharing how AMAZING my afternoon was, because I'm sure all of you are jealous now. I just needed to tell someone how much I love the library and how awesome it, and the people there, are.

Oh, and did anyone notice the beautiful sunshine today? Definitely longboarded home from the library, which added to the awesomeness of the day. :]

Rejoice

Philippians 4:4-7 (ESV) says

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness
be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but
in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be
made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will
guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I've heard the "Rejoice in the Lord always" part time and time again. Not being the sort of person who finds it easy to rejoice part-time, let alone always, it kinda baffles me. Okay, baffled isn't quite the right word there, it pretty much goes in one ear, out the other. “You don’t know what I’ve been through” is one of the first things that comes to mind.

In writing, context is everything, and it makes a world of difference here. The next few verses make the ‘rejoice’ part real. The Lord is here. God is with us, everywhere, from school to our dark bedrooms at night. In sickness and health, for better or worse, for richer or poorer (I was just at a wedding, pops into mind)…. We shouldn’t be anxious (for God is right here), but in everything pray, and ask God with humbleness whatever it is we need to ask.
But in everything, pray. Sounds so easy, but for many, it’s a pretty hard thing. Believe me, I know that praying can be really difficult. Most of the time I have no idea what to pray about or, more often, how to pray. A number of years ago, I read this bit from Romans.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we
ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that
words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the
Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's
will.

In my weakness, which is really the level I operate on regularly, I know I don't pray what I should, and I know I pray things sarcastically and full of "but" statements. Or I just don’t pray at all. What an amazing, comforting thing to know the Holy Spirit takes the groanings of our deepest selves to God. And the Spirit does it in a way that lines up with what God would have for us.
It’s in my weakness that I do not know what to pray. It's in my weakness that I get hung up on not knowing. But it is in my weakness that the cries of my soul are taken to God. It is in the times when we groan at the very thought of rejoicing that our groans are carried to the ears of Christ. And it is in that time of vulnerability that the will of God is carried out in our lives, whether we know it or not. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. The Spirit takes the cries of our broken spirits to the Father, and leaves instead the peace of God in its place. That alone is reason to rejoice.

Prayer Request

I know many of you don't check this blog regularly, but, if by chance you read this post over the next few days, please say a few words of prayer for me. Got some tough news this evening and it's taking a toll.

I thank God for each one of you in my life.

Randomz

Wow. It's pouring. Just in time for my Physics Phamily to head to Playland for Physics Day at the PNE. Heading to the school bright and early tomorrow to go to Vancouver... Hopefully the rain will ease up at least a bit by then...

* * *

Speaking of Vancouver, just got back from White Rock for my Uncle and (new) Aunt's wedding! It was a great time, although being a bridesmaid was A LOT more difficult and tiring than I expected. 2 and a half hours of hair and forty-five minutes of makeup.. DEFINITELY never done that before. Hanging out in a strapless dress for 13 hours... It was a lot of fun. Got to meet some great people and I'm sure my family will be talking about the occasion for years to come.

* * *

I GOT A BUNNY!

I was walking home through UVic today (not something I usually do) and there was this cute little bunny sitting under a tree... So I slowly approached him, sat down, and talked to him for a bit. Eventually, he started coming a bit closer, and then I offered him an apple slice. That sealed the deal. I now have an ADORABLE bunny rabbit, named Wabbit. Very cute. I think he's a Netherlands Dwarf, for anyone who is wondering.


You gotta admit, he's pretty cute.

* * *

Hopefully little Wabbit will have a friend soon... My mommy says I can get a fishy! I'm planning on getting a Siamese Fighting Fish, as I received the PERFECT fish bowl as a gift recently.

I'll need to think of a good name... Suggestions?