To Break the Silence

So funny story. When I started writing this morning, it was just going to be an intro into a different post. But it kinda flowed. Maybe it's because I'm half asleep and so writing 'poetry' is easier than full/complete sentences. But... It's honest and straight from the heart. 2 minutes of typing as I shivered from the cold breeze coming through the window. Hope it's worth something to you.

I haven't posted in awhile.

I haven't written in a longer time.

I don't know why.
No words are with me in this moment.
No thoughts are exactly strong enough to break through the wall.
What fed me in the past? The need to understand.
The yearning to know, to feel, to be.
I wrote about hope when I lost mine.
I wrote about strength and love when I needed some.

Things are different now.

This is not to say that I don't struggle; I do.
This is not to say that I know it all; I don't.
This is to say I've lost the constant craving for something to help me.

In the past, I felt I had no where to turn in my desperation.
Sleepless nights left me hungry,
daily struggles left me empty.
I needed something to fill the void.

But now...

I am satisfied.
Not with the good stuff, but with the mediocre.
Not full to the top, just enough to keep me going.
I'm not desperate, so I'm not searching.

I don't question because I'm scared of losing.
I don't wonder cause I want at least this.
And maybe if I tried to continue untangling the mess that is life...
Maybe I'd just get wrapped in it again.

Content with what I've got.

Now I don't mean that I don't see the chaos.
I don't mean that I don't see there can be better.
I just mean that, through the years, I've tried and tried to get this far,
To unravel knots and weave a little security together out of what I've learned.

And finally, I've got some.
Finally, I have some stable footing, with a net to catch me.

But do I trust it?
If I keep climbing up this mountain, who's to say I won't fall?
To trust this net I've woven is like...
Well, I don't know, but I know that I don't like it.

So, why trust it?

Why don't I just stop, enjoy the view.
I've come this far, and that's fine with me.
Sure, I could go farther, but it's comfy here.
Kinda cozy actually.

And sure, maybe there's a reason I should keep pushing.
Maybe there's something special wrapped up in this tangle of life.
But for now, I'm happy with this ball of knots I'm holding.
It's special to me, almost 'cool' in the coolest sense of the word.

So why push?

I've written so many times not to stay content, to live with purpose,
But have I ever been content?
Maybe, as I unwrap this intricate weave of gnarled string,
It's wrapping itself around me.

It's nice here.

I'm content.

Why strive for more?

Forgiveness: My findings during my stumbles along the rocky path

Happy New Year, merry new decade. Welcome 2010 (which is obviously pronounced 'twenty-ten', in case you hadn't heard). I want to start the new year off right, so I bring you this post! I'm not an expert in forgiveness, although I may be an expert in receiving forgiveness. In either case, these are my thoughts on this tough subject...


It's a choice
    Whether or not I feel like forgiving someone does not indicate whether I should forgive or not. Plain and simple, I always should. God commands it. I tend to wait for time to pass, or wait until I feel forgiveness, or until I just don't care anymore. That is when I usually forgive people. But it should (and doesn't) work like that. Through my experiences with forgiveness, the feelings tend to follow the choice.
    And, with that said, sometimes the feelings never come. But at least I'm trying to follow God's word.

It's for me
    I used to think that forgiveness was a gift I could give to someone. So I would hold back forgiveness, thinking that my wrongdoer would be anxiously waiting for me to dissolve their guilt for what they had done.
    So wrong.
    As it relates to human forgiveness, forgiving is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. By forgiving, I am releasing my bitterness, rage and anger (Eph 4:31) . I am going to have to want to forgive and I'll need to forgive in order to live the way God wants me to, not centered around the negative, but looking towards the One who gives us Joy.

It's not a one time deal
   Forgiving is a daily choice. Actually, it's more like a second-ly choice. Just as my choice to be a follower of Christ is a constant decision. I'll make the choice to forgive someone not once, but daily. And if I stumble, I always have the choice to continue forgiving. And, I have to continue to forgive, even if I don't feel like it.


These thoughts apply not only to forgiving others, but forgiving ourselves too. A lot of the time, for me, forgiving myself is a lot harder than forgiving others. And, in my opinion, there's no better place to practice forgiveness than internally.

Squall is a strange word...

Some of you may have noticed my blogging frenzy I've been in lately. Now that I've settled into school and the weather is getting chilly so I'm spending most of my time inside, I've had time to think over conversations, random thoughts, and struggles of the past few months... These posts I've written and the ones still to come are all inspired from said discussion, thoughts or struggles over this time...

There was once a popular song that said "From a distance God is watching us..."

There are some people who believe God is like that. That He created the Earth and its inhabitants and then just walked away, watching from a distance, observing but not interfering, interested but uncaring.
But I don't believe that at all.

Awhile back I was reading Mark 4, verses 33-41. Crowds have gathered around the waters endge, and Jesus is teaching them from the bow of a fishing boat. He uses parable to teach the crowd, and then, a while later, he teaches his disciples through a living parable.

³³With many similar parables Jesus spoke the word to them, as much as they could understand. ³⁴He did not say anything to them without using a parable. But when he was alone with his own disciples, he explained everything.

³⁵That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." ³⁶Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. ³⁷A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. ³⁸Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
³⁹He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

⁴⁰He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

⁴¹They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

Notice verse 36... Especially how it says "..they took him along, just as he was, in the boat."

When the storms came, Jesus was in the boat with them. In my opinion, it could not be made any more plain: When the storms of life come up, he is "in the boat" with us.

So why doesn't it seem that way? Why does it feel like he's far off, on the shores, watching us struggle?

I think it's because we are focused on the waves, while he is focused on our faith. We are concerned with the material world, what is happening around us, he is concerned with our spirit. When the disciples cried out "don't you care if we drown?" Jesus' reply was "Where is your faith?"

This living parable was teaching the disciples, and us, about faith and trust. Jesus told them to go to the other side, he was in the boat with them. One might say that Jesus used the situation for the trying and the growth of their faith.

This life and this world are temporary. God gave us both. He is able, and has promised to give us a new life, a new heaven, and a new Earth, all based on faith. He cares for us, no doubt, but he priorities are eternal.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand,
that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your
anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:6-7

My Heart, My Mouth

14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19


Two important thoughts in this verse. The Bible teaches us that our mouth and our thoughts are connected. What's on the inside is going to come out. The heart overflows out of the mouth. My mouth is like a waterfall of what is going on inside of me.


Our words are to be pleasing to God. Think about that. This thought is hard for my brain to wrap around because my mouth runs all day long and as a result there are many words flowing out of me. Are my words pleasing to God?


Think of all the words that come out of your mouth everyday. Are those words pleasing to God? Lots of the things I say aren't even pleasing to me, so I can't imagine how God feels about them... I think, if we truly considered this verse, much of our vocabulary would change.

...the meditation of my heart
What consumes my thoughts throughout the day? Do those thoughts please God? What do I think about others, those I hang out with with, live next door to, in my own home? Meditation is more than just a passing thought. Meditation is dwelling on a thought. Someone hurts my feelings or offends me and then that is all I think about. Then soon I have bitterness as a result of the meditation of my heart. That bitterness will eventually flow out of my mouth.


Why not think about those things that please God? Why not meditate on a scripture verse or on a Biblical principle that God is teaching me? What am I meditating on right now, today?


What a finish to a chapter, "my Rock and my Redeemer". Why not meditate on this verse a while? Is God my Rock? Is Christ my Redeemer?

"But"

Psalm 13

For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts 

and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.

 Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

 and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.



Ever have those times when everything is going wrong, when it seems like you are stuck in the middle of a storm and can’t see the end?
Do you have those days when it seems everyone is against you? Does God every feel like he’s a million miles away?

I can’t stand those times. And I'm often in them. I get a frustrated, stressed, self-centered when those times comes.. But what I must remember is that’s life! Life is not lived on the mountaintops; life is lived in the valley. Who knows this better than King David? David lived life in the valley. Most of his life was a struggle. Kid stuck with watching the sheep while his brothers went on an adventure. Stood alone before a giant because no one else had the guts or the faith. Spears chucked at him by the king while playing his harp for the king. Was pursued by a jealous king who wanted to snuff David’s life out. Struggled with sin, adultery, murder, and the pain of life that all of that mess with Bathsheba resulted in. David knew what it meant to live life in the valley.

So when the tough storms of life come, when the world feels like it is squeezing in around me, I must (and usually don't) remember the big “But”. Did you see it?

Verse 5 and 6:“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.”

Know your position – God loves you.
Check your attitude – Rejoice in salvation and sing to the Lord.

Not about Canada Day.

Currently (as in recently doing over the past days, not literally)...

reading: The Bible Jesus Read
Just started it, no thoughts yet. I'll let you know.

listening to: Jack Johnson's Sing-along and Lullabies
It's a comfort thing. Sure, the songs sound like they're for litle kids, but listen to them. They've got a message.

eating: trail mix and yogurt
And I've started not adding anything to the food I eat--no dressing, condiments, etc. Not sure why...

watching: CSI re-runs
You just don't question a good thing.

thinking about: older siblings
It's a hard job.

finding frustrating: swearing and growing up.
They both just aren't cool.

* * *

I've been in and our of hospital lately for my shoulder. And I've been told there's really nothing the doctors can do. So, I've been taking it easy the last few days, even spent a while just chilling in bed. Let me tell you, that was difficult. Difficult, and yet all I could do. The pain has been getting worse each time I dislocate it--frustrating, as each time I dislocate it, it gets easier to dislocate. Hmm. I think I should be put in a bubble... It seems like no where is safe for me these days.

* * *

I've been putting a lot of thought lately into 'choices'. We have so many choices we can make, if we choose to. And then, in all the opportunities we do have choices, we can choose to do the right thing, or the wrong thing, or the option thats mainly right but a bit wrong, or the thing that is wrong but not as bad as another choice... It's just a mess. And then, to top it all off, those choice affect not only us, but other people in our lives too. Sometimes, it even affects people we don't even know.

I think lots of people (most commonly in younger people, aka teens, although also people of all ages) underestimate choices. Both the power of our choices and the numbers of our choices. Which really go hand in hand. If you don't realize how many choices you have, you won't always be making the right choice, or even realizing you could make the right choice...

Anyway, that was quite a long preamble for something that could have been said quite simply. I have been feeling more positive lately, and I believe it is because I have made the choice to. I never thought it would work, but I've been proven wrong. Choosing positive really can help life seem better. For me at least.

I have a choice about everything I do. In the same way, I have a choice about everything I don't do. Coming to that realization really changed things... For one, it's made complaining a lot harder. Don't worry though, I still do it a lot more than I should.

* * *

Make sure you continue to check in with this blog occasionally... I may or may not have a post planned for sometime over the next few days, and it may or may not be the start of a semi-regular affair...

* * *

To finish it off, here are some...

Confessions of a Teenage Girl

I have recently taken a few Facebook quizzes.
When my parents say I have to clean my room before I go out, I sometimes* shove everything in my closet.
I felt like I was enlightened after reading the results to said taken Facebook quizzes.
I love singing Nickleback or Kelly Clarkson at the top of my lungs.
I wish I could be an music artist or a dancer when I grow up.
I occasionally* lie in bed a dream about my future husband.
I sign my diary as if I was talking to a person.
I sleep with stuffed animals.

*read: frequently

It started out as a feeling...

I have been feeling out of sorts lately. I'm not sure why.
I've been feeling really god for the past few weeks -- Positive, realistic, energized...
But, in the midst of this, there has been a little feeling inside of me...

A few weeks ago, it was just a small feeling, a little seed in my stomach. As school came to an end, I began feeling used to the 'content' mood, and my boredom with having 1 arm grew, so did this seed. For the past few days, it has actually felt very heavy inside me, a feeling that I can't get rid of.

It's uncomfortable, and I don't feel 'right' in my skin. I feel like I want to move, run around, but my body won't support me. Like I want to create something, but have no materials, or inspiration.

It feels like there's something trying to get my attention, and I just don't know how to acknowledge it. Or maybe I should say, I just don't know how to acknowledge Him.

I've been praying, journaling, reading my bible, discusing God-ish things, paying attention in church, participating in community, but nothing in my usual 'routine' seems to satisfy this feeling. Maybe that's the problem, seeing it as a routine... You know, like when you wake up in the morning and get in the shower, get out, brush you hair then your teeth, all while you're half-asleep? Maybe I need to wake up from my half-asleepness...

But what do I know? I'm just thinking as I type, not really sure of where I'm going with any of this... I'm just a 17 year old, going through regular 17 year old stuff. Know what's frustrating? When you KNOW that some of the emotions you're feeling are just because your hormones are raging and you're just overreacting -- That its not the end of the world, you don't have to be right, and you don't always need someone to hold your hand. It's difficult being an aware 17 year old, knowing that those feelings aren't necessary and knowing the right thing to do, but also being a teenager and wanting to feel however I want to feel, and do what I want to do. Not that my body always lets me do what I want to do. -sigh- Growing up is hard.

This is what my reality looks like...

Psalm 103:1-4

Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.


I have struggled so much in the last few years... Struggled with my self-esteem, struggled with how I see God, struggled with feeling so alone... Struggled with things I didn't have any control over, and things I caused. Struggled with things I didn't(and don't) even know I'm struggling with...

My mind has run rampant with pure and utter hatred that life isn't fair, and there isn't a logical reason for everything that happens. I've wrestled with the question 'why' and then 'why not' and still don't really have a grasp on any answers. I have felt a brokenness within me, that if not contained could very well break my spirit and leave me a shattered-shadow of a person.

As you can see, its been pretty rough.

Now I realize that its all a mixture of natural human emotion and very specific spiritual warfare... And in keeping that in mind, I know that I have to keep my eye on the prize, that I have to keep praising my God. I look at Job, and he refused to "curse God and die"...he kept his eyes towards heaven. I look within myself and see an ocean of possibilities and my only hope in this is God. So as I enter into what I am hoping to be a big turning point for me, I'm going to stand firm on God's truth that "sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning". I believe God is challenging me to hold on to my dreams and keep them close to my heart... Despite present circumstances.

So...what dreams am I holding on to.
At the moment... I don't know. I guess I want to grow up. I want to live close to my family and friends. I want to learn how to let myself smile again. My view has been clouded for so long but I promise you, that the sky is breaking and I can start to see the sun shine. I want to know people, be involved in their lives, listen to them and care about them. I want to be an example of God's Love to everyone around me. I want to love others, and I want to love myself...

So I can choose to be completely misreable and sad, and slide back into grieving...or I can choose to hold tight to my dreams, and get buckled in...because once you choose to believe in your dreams, God takes you on a wild ride. I'm sure that they'll be a few set-backs along the way, probably all due to me taking my eye off the prize...

But for now, I've shed enough tears... I'm choosing to buckle my seatbelt.

Actively Pursuing Hope...

I can't say how organized/unorganized this blog post is going to be. I am gathering my thoughts and stumbling through some new feelings I have.

I've always had a strong sense of faith. I've never really wondered about whether or not God exists, but I have had an increasing and alarming rise in hopelessness in my life over the past few months. I could sit and blame it on the timeline of things I was experiencing, I could blame it on my complete lack of quiet time with God, I could blame it on anything and everything.

But I'm choosing not to blame it on anything, I'm going to stand up and take full blame for this one. In my head I had let a rush of fears come in, clouding my vision of the future, and leading me to a lane of (almost) pure hopelessness. I have walked with an intense fear that I will never be the same, never feel 'normal' and never feel loved. I let this fear fill me more and more until I reached a crossroads. A crossroads where I could choose to continue in my destructive thought patterns or I could make the decision to Actively Pursue Hope (yay for conscious choice!)

So I'm trying. When my fears start to rise or the loneliness overwhelms to the point I feel as if I cannot breath, I push those thoughts out of my head. I am Choosing to pursue hope, to run after it full speed with my arms stretched open, reaching to grasp this beautiful unknown gift I have yet to fully understand, and the more I run after it the bigger it gets in my life. And until the next chapter of my life begins and my hope becomes reality, I am choosing to continue running after it without thought to the unknown I face.

"there is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off"
-Proverbs 23:18
"Once you choose hope, anything's possible"
-Christopher Reeve
"Sanity may be madness but the maddest of all,
is to see life as it is, and not as it should be"
-Don Quixote
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow"
-Albert Einstein
"Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality,
If you can dream it, you can make it so"
-Belva Davis
"May the love hidden deep inside your heart
find the love waiting in your dreams.
May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow
Wipe away the pain in your yesterday"
-Unknown

For me, having hope for my future is definitely new territory for me. I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment where I reached my crossroads. Maybe it was watching the movie "Yes Man", where the main character who was lonely and living a pathetic life was radically changed when he began to actually try things he never had before. Maybe it was reading other peoples stories of healing. Maybe it was sitting down with some people I love and really realizing things need to change. I'm not sure if it was one thing in particular, but through the progression of things in my life lately, I can see a clear, and wonderful future for myself. A future full of love, restoration and Hope!


I'll try to keep you updated... :]

3-in-1

I've been making an efort to read my bible/pray/take some quite time every morning... In my quiet time this morning I read John 7. This chapter begins with Jesus' brother's telling Him that He should go to Judea so that His disciples could see the miracles that He was doing because "no one who wants to become a public figure acts in secret" (vs. 4). Verse 5 tells us that at this time Jesus' brother's didn't believe in Him.

I can sense a bit of sarcasm in Jesus' brothers voice as they spoke to Him: "Come on Jesus, you want to be popular, right? You want everyone to follow you, right? You should go to the biggest event in town and show your stuff off. This is your opportunity Jesus. Show the crowds what you got!" They figured this was the best time for Jesus to show Himself off. Of course, Jesus knows their hearts and tells them it was not the right time.

I love Jesus' response in verse 6. Jesus says: "The right time for me has not yet come; for you any time is right. " (emphasis added by me) Ouch! Jesus' brothers didn't get it (or more specifically, they didn't get Jesus). As I was reflecting on this, it made me think: How often am I like Jesus' brothers? How often do I think I know what God's timing is? How often do I rush into things because the time seems right? How often does Jesus need to rebuke me and say: "The right time has not yet come"? How often do I get mad at God for not acting at the right time?

I want to be sensitive to God's leading and I want to follow His timing. I am learning that in order to do this I need to be in constant communion with God, I need to be aware of His constant presence with me and I need to be listening for His still small voice. How do you stay sensitive to God's leading so that you can follow His timing?

* * *

Over the last year I have learned a LOT about changes that I have needed to make in my life. I have learned about how to be a better communicator, how to be a better listener, how to handle conflict in healthier ways, how to differentiate myself and a whole host of other good things. Lots of these things are a constant learning process, which can always be improved upon...

Learning about these things has been good BUT real change isn't going to happen unless I actually put these things into practice, right? A big part of putting these things into practice is first dealing with my thought life (specifically faulty thoughts and beliefs). Jud Wilhite in his book "Eyes Wide Open" says: "Change won't last until we take control of our thought life and replace destructive thoughts with biblical ones" (pg. 125). I have found this to be absolutely true in my life, in many shapes and forms.

Before I can I truly bring about real change in my life I have to first deal with the faulty beliefs/thoughts that have led to my unhealthy patterns/ways of doing things. The Bible has a lot to say about this. Romans 12:2 says: "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Transformation starts in the mind, with a different way of thinking. To bring about this transformation of the mind we must actively take control of our thoughts today. We can't be passive or lazy about them. This involves hard work, a conscious effort to change how we think (I like doing things consciously, making decesions and thinking about what we are doing.)

A big part in overcoming faulty and destructive thoughts is being able to recognize them. The way we do this is by taking our thoughts and comparing them to the truth (God's word). Jesus told us that the truth will set us free... We have to remember what God says about us. When I hear a voice in my head saying that I am not worthy and God doesn't care about me, I counter that by speaking God's Word to myself. I have to remind myself of passages that override the faulty thoughts that play in my mind. Passages like Romans 8:1-2 which says "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." and Romans 8:38-39 which says: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." In doing this I let God’s word establish what is true and what is not true for me.

* * *

Speaking of truth...

I just finished reading Angry Conversations with God, a book I would highly recommend to anyone... This book has got me thinking. How do I think of God? What are my misconceptions about the 'person' God is?

I think my 'god' is a cliche speaking, patting on the head, "you're so pitiful I'll pretend to love you so that the world seems better" kind of god. Which is not true at all, but the unfortunate reality of how my mind imagines God to be...

The first step in changing that idea, though, is realizing that it's just that. An idea. Not reality.
What's your god like?

Fire-side Conversation...

I went camping with a group of friends this weekend, and we had some great conversations... A continual theme kept cropping up though, and it made me start to think. Or, I should say, it stirred old thoughts...

There is an old song that goes, “They will know we are Christians by our love”. Sadly, I'm not sure how true this is... According to research (and fire-side conversation), Christians are not being known for love, either of each other, or of those outside of the faith.

The entire New Testament is based on two principles: Truth soaked in Love. Everything that Jesus did was motivated by these principles and in everything the early Church did, they strived to likewise live these out. Somewhere in recent Church history, we lost the element of Love and began focusing primarily, almost solely, on Truth. And now today, there is a movement of Christianity that, in an attempt to rectify past wrongs, focuses primarily on Love, fearing to bring Truth to light.

Can't we just find a happy medium?!

I have long known that we (Christians) are not viewed always viewed as people who do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly and are commonly viewed as having a ad impact on society, but its still hard to hear people say it. It isn’t even the negative perception I struggle with. There will always be people who disagree with what I believe. What bothers me is why we are perceived negatively. It seems to be often because of hurt.

Christians aren’t perfect. We make mistakes. But we also struggle to admit when we are wrong. We struggle to accept people as they are. I don’t think it’s just a Christian thing. It’s a people thing. But a Christian is a Christ-follower, and based on that title, our model of how to live is Jesus Christ. He accepted people exactly as they were. He called a tax collector (considered the bad guys of society) to be in his closest circle of followers. He accepted the sacrifice of a “woman who had lived a sinful life”. He was present when a woman caught in the act of adultery was dragged into the street to be stoned and he released her. He convicted those wishing to stone her such that they all finally walked away without a single stone being thrown. And then, as if he didn’t know exactly what had happened, he turned to the woman and asked, “Where are they? Has no one condemned you?”“No one, sir,” she responded.“Then neither do I condemn you,” he said. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

What a man! What a God!

I don't know how to find that happy medium, but something tells me I won't be able to do it on my own.

Results 1 - 10 of about 130,000,000 for efficiency. (0.10 seconds)

I was sitting the other day, enjoying the sunshine and thinking, with questions popping into my head. Questions like 'Why can't God heal people faster?' or 'Why can't He make things "better" or at least "easier"?'. I sat and contemplated why, and suddenly I realized...

God isn't exactly about efficiency. It doesn't really seem like He has much of a deadline.

I was looking through my bible for some idea's on efficiency, and what Scripture has to say about it, when I came across something I have read many times, but thought of in a new way... Let me tell you a story. A long time ago (in a galaxy far far away)...

God had a chat with Abraham, and he said (roughly) "Let's get this small group of people to live a life of joy and justice, and then others, fascinated by their love for each other, will join them. And eventually, over time, the whole world will return to loving me"

That little chat happened a very long time ago, and in my opinion, not much has changed since.
God, being God, could've easily just have said in a big booming voice, 'Everybody love me' just as easily as He said 'Let there be light'. So, why didn't he? Seems like that would be so much easier, just to quickly have things the way He wants them to be.

God isn't like that, not at all.

The most efficient example I can think of from God's works would be The Flood, aka Noah's Ark. The world was a bad place, and He kinda wanted to change that. I like to think of it as a do-over. Nice and efficient, wipe out people, start from square 1.

Most of us know the outcome of that story. He vowed NEVER to do it again.

* * *

The world today is so good at being efficient. I can get the definition of "efficient" on Google in 0.17 seconds. I can go to my TV and replay they 30 seconds of the show I missed because I was texting my friends about studying together online in an hour. It seems to work so well, but...

When efficiency is the top priority when dealing with conflict and justice, violence is almost always the outcome.
Not good.
Not God.

When unlimited wealth or personal gain is the goal (which seems to be a big theme in the world today), efficiency becomes the method. When efficiency is the method, exploitation is often a result.

Exploitation is NOT love. And God is not about exploitation at all.

So, if God isn't going to use the most efficient way to get people to love Him, how does He do it?
The answer: Relationships.

He asks us to have a relationship with Him, and asks us to have loving relationships with others.

Face-to-face, real life relationships are more loving than a big booming voice. It's more personal and intimate than forced adoration. By dealing with other people, you experience life and struggles, and your focus is on the person you are talking with, instead of having 6 MSN chats with people from all around the world, while watching your favourite TV show, playing solitaire and filing your taxes.

I think it says something that we value efficiency so much, but it doesn't seem to be high on God's agenda… We always want the newest iPod, that holds so much more music so we have more choice, and have a longer battery life; or we choose to go on the computer to chat with friends while doing work instead of spending time in Creation.

There’s definitely a reason why God didn’t just do it the easy, efficient way. Maybe we should pay more attention.

Words words words...

Over the past week or so, I've been doing a fair amount of thinking... More than usual. Which is saying something, because personally, I think I think a lot.

I was thinking about stuff I already knew. Things I thought I knew, and understood. After looking back on that thinking, I'm not sure I really did understand things...

I've been a Christian for a long time, relative to the time I've been around. As long as I can remember, I've known there's a God. For the majority of the time, I've known that God loves me. I've been told that Jesus was raised from the dead and He took the punishment for our sins--Everyone's sins. And I've talked, I've been told, I've sung, and I've prayed about hope. A kind of 'Christian hope'.

But, I've often struggled with hope. Struggled to have it, or understanding why I have it... Thinking my hope is foolish, or wanting not to have hope. Being a Christian, though... Hope is kinda a big thing (deja vu... pretty sure I've said that before). So, like I said, over the past few days I've been thinking, and here are some of my 17 year-old thoughts on 'Christian hope'.

Hope is found in the risen Christ. Suffering is not removed by his resurrection, but transformed by it. His resurrection kills even the power of death, and promises that God will wipe away every tear in the end. But we still have tears (and are allowed to have them) in the present. We still die. In God's future, though, death will die.

The hope of the Resurrection is not optimism, isn't saying 'everything on earth is ok', but it keeps the Christian facing ever toward the future, not dwelling in the present, like we so often get stuck doing. It does not take away pain, or make pain any less, or say 'get over it' but just that... one day it will be beaten.

And I truly believe that.

A rather long post that you may or may not agree with...

So.

A slightly long while ago I went for a simply marvelous walk with Matty and Caitlin. Good times on Dallas Road. After our little stroll, we had a slight bit of lunch, and upon leaving, started a conversation that really got me thinking...
I won't share those first thoughts right away, as they may be slightly hard to articulate (and also, not entirely constructive/beneficial towards the desired theme of the first half of this post), but I will share the thoughts which came from the thoughts that those thoughts lead to. At least, what I remember of those thoughts, because, as I have stated, that day has long passed and my memory isn't as strong as it once was...

These thoughts centered around forgiveness. By no means do I claim to be an expert in this area. I would say that I have a lot of experience with (attempted) forgiveness, but I don't exactly have a perfect track record in forgiving others. I like to try, but can't say that I always do the 'Christian thing'.

I tend to struggle with the idea of forgiving others. Especially "bad" people. Like, hurtful people. It's hard to find the strength to forgive. When I'm angry at someone, I want to stay angry at them. So, here's the first point I'd like to make... I've realized recently that forgiveness is not forgetting or excusing. As the brilliant CS Lewis said, "If one was really not to blame, then there is nothing to forgive. In that sense forgiveness and excusing are almost opposite."

This is really huge for me. I have often wanted to prove my forgiveness towards someone by justifying their actions. This cannot be done for forgiveness to take place. Because, if their actions are truly justifiable, why forgive?

Okay, so, that's some thoughts on forgiveness. A touchy subject for many. Now, what about loving people? Loving others? It's a pretty well-known thing that God is big on love. I was talking with the Middle-schoolers at my church a few weeks ago on who Jesus loves. The answer: Everyone. They told me that during His time here on earth, he loved all people, including lepers and prostitutes and tax collectors. So, first of all, God loves all of us… But sometimes for me it's hard to believe that, and even harder to accept it. How can He love people who are hurting the people He loves? If someone is picking on my sister, I surely am not fond of them... And yet, it is within my best interest to believe that His love encompasses all, because if He doesn't love everyone, where would He draw the line? What's to say He wouldn't not love me? Another thing about God love is that we, as humans, cannot comprehend it. We do not have the mind-capacity to understand it fully, nor are we able to replicate it. Which is a reason why we need Him to try to be like Him.

God loves all of us, and I truly want/need to believe that. And, being a Christian, I want to be like Him, and follow what He says. Jesus gives us hints sometimes, on how to be more like Him. Sometimes these hints are subtle, and other times, He tells us exactly what we should do. In Mark 12:31 He says ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Pretty self-explanatory. Love everyone. Neighbor does not mean your best friend, or your family members. It's people in our community, our world. Which, last time I checked, this included our enemies, or the people I have trouble getting along with.

This statement of 'loving everyone as yourself' immediately triggers something inside of me, and I start getting defensive, and justifying why I shouldn't love everyone. Part of that reaction I call my 'teen-reaction', or my want to do the exact opposite of what authority tells me to do, or to hate something I am forced to do. Another part of this reaction, I think, is the fact that I know I do not love everyone. I definitely fall short of this commandment, which, as Jesus said Himself, is the second most important commandment. But, anyway, I digress...

My point is this: God tells us to love everyone as ourselves. But how do we love ourselves? I, for certain, do not usually feel particularly fond of myself. I know some of the things I have done, and I know my own thoughts. Sometimes, I do not like these things I have done, nor the thoughts I have had pass through my head... But, even with this dislike, or lack of fondness, I do not hate myself. Actually, probably one of the reasons I disliked my actions is because I love myself. Brings to mind 'hate the sin, love the sinner'.

Another thing which I have been confused about is punishment. I have often thought that to show my love to someone else is to excuse sins, and get rid of all consequences for their actions. But, again, I look to how I treat myself in this situation... When I do something wrong, I know I deserve the consequences. If anything, NOT punishing a person for wrong-doings is harmful to them, because then they will not know it is wrong. As humans, we learn from mistakes. As a three-year old, you learn not to color on the walls of the kitchen because your parents punish you for your actions.

So, maybe loving others as yourself doesn't mean you have to be fond of them, or enjoy their company. It doesn't mean that you approve of what they are doing or want them to continue down the path they are on. And it doesn't mean ignoring things they do or excusing their actions...

Maybe it just means loving them for being.
Because, when it comes down to it, that's basically why I love myself.
And why God loves me.

His love isn't exactly justified. It just is.

Atheism, by Britt

As I sat doing my homework, I noticed my Google Reader has 1 unread post... Clicked it, and laughed pretty darn hard , thanks to Britt's post

The belief that there was nothing and nothing happened to nothing and then nothing magically exploded for no reason, creating everything and then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself for no reason what so ever into self-replicating bits which then turned into dinosaurs. Makes perfect sense.

* * *
3 in one night! Crazy monkey madness!

Ephesians 2:8

God's grace.
I know that our lives depend upon it. I realize that I am still here because of it. Basking in the knowledge that God's grace has transformed me continues to bring joy to me. The realization of what I deserve, and the understanding of what I've received is beyond awesome.
Because it is by grace we have been saved, through faith. Not of works so no man can boast. I am continually amazed by it!

* * *

So, this is the second post of the night. I was considering leaving them in the same post, but, decided to make separate posts because they are so different in theme...

:]

Possible 3rd post on the way... :O

?

Over the past few days, I have been wondering why I have a blog.
I know that when I first brought this blog to life, I answered that question, but I guess I just needed to revisit it.

So I did some thinking, and then some writing, and I thought I'd share it with you.
It's nothing special at all, it's just what I needed.

There is one thing I know that will never change in my life -- I am on a journey with Jesus Christ by the grace of God. That journey is filled with sunshine and shadows. It is also filled with gratitude and grace. I am writing this blog for my own benefit -- to make me slow down and examine the life God has given me. But I am also writing it for you, in the hopes that these reflections might encourage your walk of faith as well. Not all posts will be inspiring, but, if just one word I've typed triggers some thinking, then it's worth it.

Post #9 (for lack of creativity)

(Okay, I would like to caution all potential readers... All my thoughts might not be fully fleshed out. My brain is overflowing at the moment, and its hard to sort things out when the thoughts just keep bubbling over... Anyways, with that, proceed with caution...)

Waiting is hard for us (at least it is for me), because we have gotten used to having what we want and having it now. When we don’t get 'it' we feel angry and frustrated.
But if we can learn to wait and hope, it will shape our lives.
Instead of settling for what I have, and trying to make myself comfortable, I want to be willing to put up with discomfort, with not belonging, even with suffering because this is not it.
I long for the day when justice and mercy will be seen in all the earth, when God will wipe away every tear. I pray “Your Kingdom Come”.
And we celebrate the glimpses of it, the stories of it and the echoes of it. We love selflessness, generosity, grace, and mercy because these things are 'kingdom things'...

Recently I have been asked (quite a number of times, actually) what I hope for. I usually say that I try to stay away from hope, because I don't want to be let down. Not until recently have I realized that this isn't necessarily true... Maybe I try to stay away from 'wishing' for things, or having dreams, but, not having hope? That sounds scary.

So, over the past few days, 'hope' has been on my mind. You see the word everywhere... 'Hope' has begun to be used more loosely than it used to, often seen as synonymous for 'wish', which is something that I commonly do, although I'm not sure it is entirely correct...

Tonight I was talking to a few friends, getting their opinion on the 2 words as well... Here are some things that I (and friends) have thought on 'hope' and 'wish'...
Wish us more immediate, on a finite time line. Hope is sometime in the future, with no limitations on time. Wish is flimsy, no solid reasoning behind it. Hope has desire, it is beyond proof, and a belief that something, or someone, could make it happen.

Hope can be both a noun and a verb... 'I have hope...' vs. 'I hope...'. I think, as a Christian, I have hope. And a strong hope, which could be said to be faith.

A Christian with no hope? Impossible, if you ask me.

Waiting. Hoping. Longing. Wishing.

Confusing.

"Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget that, until the day God deigns to reveal the future to man, the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and hope." --Alexandre Dumas

Trip over something and suddenly I'm in over my head...

First off, merry Christmas.

Second, this will not be my true 'merry Christmas' post, most likely. That will come either later tonight or tomorrow... Complete with pictures, possibly even video. :O

* * *

So, as some people may have noticed...
I used to have a blog. Then I deleted it. Now, mysteriously, it is back. In case you were wondering why it's returned, here are some possible reasons why...

1. I like sharing my ideas.
I don't care much who I share them with, or if people actually even READ them.
The fact that there is the possibility that someone (anyone, technically) could be reading this post, my thoughts and ideas, really excites me.

2. I hate feeling alone.
You know when you are in a room, full of people, and yet you feel so alone? I feel like this quite frequently. I like being alone, but I don't like being lonely. It's a hard balance, and I think some people confuse the two things sometimes. My friend Matt posted on loneliness just over a month ago... And it's gotten me thinking. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I think that I want more people to know me. And not superficially know me. Actually know me. One thing though: I don't plan on revealing myself or anything on this blog... But practice makes perfect, and if I'm going to start letting people getting to know me, I should start practicing.

3. I used to think that people only wanted to here about interesting things...
I don't think I gave people enough credit. I decided to not even share what was going on in my life because I figured it would bore them/they would think I was wasting there time. Maybe, people don't care about awesome or cool things going on in my life... Maybe, just maybe, they actually care about me.

4. Writing posts makes me feel like a good writer.
...Just putting it out there.

* * *

I do lots of my thinking in my shower...
Correction:
I get a lot of thoughts in my shower, which causes me to think about them for the rest of the day...
(I have to write them down as soon as I'm out of the shower though, or else I'll forget what I was thinking by the time I'm finished getting ready)

The other day I was thinking this...
What would it be like to be alone for Christmas? I've been blessed to have family/friends with me every Christmas. Over the years, the numbers have declined, some traditions changed, but, in essence, my Christmas has been the same as long as I can remember.

Let alone being alone for Christmas, what would it be like to be alone, knowing your family is in the city, doing something without you...?

I won't share my thoughts on the question unless you ask, but that's just what's been floating around in my head the past week or so....

* * *

Heard this little piece during a lecture a few years back, stumbled across it on the web a few weeks ago...

I was hungry,
And you formed a humanities group to discuss my hunger.
I was imprisoned,
And you crept off quietly to your chapel and prayed for my release.
I was naked,
And in your mind you debated the morality of my appearance.
I was sick,
And you knelt and thanked God for your health.
I was homeless,
And you preached a sermon on the spiritual shelter of the love of God.
I was lonely,
And you left me alone to pray for me.
You seem so holy, so close to God
But I am still very hungry – and lonely – and cold.

Author Unknown (as far as I know)

Every time I read it, it hits me hard.
So true, so true...
I pray to God to change things, and then just wait for Him, or someone else, to do something.

A man looked around him in a city
street and saw a little girl poorly
dressed, shivering, and near
starving.

He was angry with God
and demanded: “Why don’t you do
something about this?” But God
did not answer.

The man went on, and saw a
wretched old man in the gutter.
Again he cried out: “ Why don’t
you do something?” But God was
silent.

In the middle of the night God
spoke to the man. He said gently,
“I have already done something
about these things. I made YOU,
with eyes to see, ears to hear,
and strong hands to help.”

I want/need to do something. For my sake, yours, and theirs.

~ The Pee