It started out as a feeling...

I have been feeling out of sorts lately. I'm not sure why.
I've been feeling really god for the past few weeks -- Positive, realistic, energized...
But, in the midst of this, there has been a little feeling inside of me...

A few weeks ago, it was just a small feeling, a little seed in my stomach. As school came to an end, I began feeling used to the 'content' mood, and my boredom with having 1 arm grew, so did this seed. For the past few days, it has actually felt very heavy inside me, a feeling that I can't get rid of.

It's uncomfortable, and I don't feel 'right' in my skin. I feel like I want to move, run around, but my body won't support me. Like I want to create something, but have no materials, or inspiration.

It feels like there's something trying to get my attention, and I just don't know how to acknowledge it. Or maybe I should say, I just don't know how to acknowledge Him.

I've been praying, journaling, reading my bible, discusing God-ish things, paying attention in church, participating in community, but nothing in my usual 'routine' seems to satisfy this feeling. Maybe that's the problem, seeing it as a routine... You know, like when you wake up in the morning and get in the shower, get out, brush you hair then your teeth, all while you're half-asleep? Maybe I need to wake up from my half-asleepness...

But what do I know? I'm just thinking as I type, not really sure of where I'm going with any of this... I'm just a 17 year old, going through regular 17 year old stuff. Know what's frustrating? When you KNOW that some of the emotions you're feeling are just because your hormones are raging and you're just overreacting -- That its not the end of the world, you don't have to be right, and you don't always need someone to hold your hand. It's difficult being an aware 17 year old, knowing that those feelings aren't necessary and knowing the right thing to do, but also being a teenager and wanting to feel however I want to feel, and do what I want to do. Not that my body always lets me do what I want to do. -sigh- Growing up is hard.

Actively Pursuing Hope...

I can't say how organized/unorganized this blog post is going to be. I am gathering my thoughts and stumbling through some new feelings I have.

I've always had a strong sense of faith. I've never really wondered about whether or not God exists, but I have had an increasing and alarming rise in hopelessness in my life over the past few months. I could sit and blame it on the timeline of things I was experiencing, I could blame it on my complete lack of quiet time with God, I could blame it on anything and everything.

But I'm choosing not to blame it on anything, I'm going to stand up and take full blame for this one. In my head I had let a rush of fears come in, clouding my vision of the future, and leading me to a lane of (almost) pure hopelessness. I have walked with an intense fear that I will never be the same, never feel 'normal' and never feel loved. I let this fear fill me more and more until I reached a crossroads. A crossroads where I could choose to continue in my destructive thought patterns or I could make the decision to Actively Pursue Hope (yay for conscious choice!)

So I'm trying. When my fears start to rise or the loneliness overwhelms to the point I feel as if I cannot breath, I push those thoughts out of my head. I am Choosing to pursue hope, to run after it full speed with my arms stretched open, reaching to grasp this beautiful unknown gift I have yet to fully understand, and the more I run after it the bigger it gets in my life. And until the next chapter of my life begins and my hope becomes reality, I am choosing to continue running after it without thought to the unknown I face.

"there is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off"
-Proverbs 23:18
"Once you choose hope, anything's possible"
-Christopher Reeve
"Sanity may be madness but the maddest of all,
is to see life as it is, and not as it should be"
-Don Quixote
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow"
-Albert Einstein
"Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality,
If you can dream it, you can make it so"
-Belva Davis
"May the love hidden deep inside your heart
find the love waiting in your dreams.
May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow
Wipe away the pain in your yesterday"
-Unknown

For me, having hope for my future is definitely new territory for me. I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment where I reached my crossroads. Maybe it was watching the movie "Yes Man", where the main character who was lonely and living a pathetic life was radically changed when he began to actually try things he never had before. Maybe it was reading other peoples stories of healing. Maybe it was sitting down with some people I love and really realizing things need to change. I'm not sure if it was one thing in particular, but through the progression of things in my life lately, I can see a clear, and wonderful future for myself. A future full of love, restoration and Hope!


I'll try to keep you updated... :]

two thousand and nine

We're staring at the New Year right in the face.
An exciting time for me.

Another year has passed... 2009 promises to bring lots of new things. In just over 3 weeks, I'll be turning 17, which means I can get my N (I'd advise you to stay off the sidewalks, let alone the roads). Sketchy, eh? When did I grow up?
Also in 2009, I'll be finishing my first year at a new school. Within the year, I'll be starting my last year of high school - now THAT'S crazy.

2008 has been a year of lots of struggles, hurdles and other challenges... But it has also been 360 days of continual blessings, and most definitely a learning experience. After some thought, I've come up with a word to summarize my 2008:

awakening

Over 2008 I've definitely had some major realizations. I won't get into too much detail, but, I've realized many things about myself, as well as about others, and the world in general. I think those realizations have mainly changed me for the better. God's done a lot of work in my life over the past 8760 hours.

Which brings me to my next point... My word for the upcoming year:

change

Change can be frightening, and change can be painful. But, there is no growth without pain. I've been scared of change mainly because it's a giant question mark. I'm not too fond of the unknown. But I believe a key part to Christianity and a relationship with God is willingness to change. So that's what I want to do as I enter 2009... I want to be willing to change.

Let’s face it, we talk about change, but we don’t handle change really well, and when we speak of change it isn’t frequently that we can do it with our whole hearts, without the voices of cynicism falling down around us like the dead leaves on Ohio running trails. The Hebrew writers of the Proverbs certainly studied nature, recognized the immediacy of change, and encouraged it with open arms (see also Bob Dylan’s version of the Proverb). But our faith is one built entirely on the promises of change. In fact, it is founded in the idea that change has already been resoundingly delivered.

-Matt Litton, Running Into Change (Relevant Magazine)

I believe that change is necessary. For me, for others, and the world on whole. Change is going to happen. Are you going to make change happen, or is it going to happen to you?

Take an active role in your life. I'm going to try with mine. As my youth pastor says, live with purpose. Think about what you are doing, and don't just stand around, waiting for God, or others, to do things for you. If we all start making conscious changes in our lives, I have a feeling that something good will happen.

Thou shalt not be a victim. Thou shalt not be a perpetrator. Above all, thou shalt not be a bystander.

- Holocaust Museum, Washington DC

There are only two ways of spreading light - to be the candle, or the mirror that reflects it.

-Edith Wharton, Novelist

Blessings to everyone for 2009.
Happy New Year.