The slow, shaking head...

He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
Colossians 1:13-14 (ESV)

I don't think I'm the only one who feels this, but sometimes I feel like I'm a disappointment to God. Actually, I feel that way a lot. Between the way I treat others and how I treat myself... Well, it's safe to say that it's not always the way He would like me to be acting. Some days I don't live the way Jesus wants me to, let alone how I think I should.

"The devil loves the line of logic. If he can convince us that God's grace has limited funds, we'll draw the logical conclusion. The account is empty." -Max Lucado

Sometimes, I think that when I finally get to meet God, He is going to raise an eyebrow because I didn't follow the path He had laid out for me. I'm worried that He's going to shake His head slowly as I hang my head in shame. I mean, I've screwed up plenty. What if God is just watching me, head in His hands, as I make mistake after mistake?

What if who I am is a disappointment to Him?

This is when I turn to the bible, God's word. It is evident that others have screwed up too--Peter (Mark 14:66-72), David (2 Samuel 11), the Samaritan woman (John 4:1-23)... And guess what? God and Jesus restores them all, forgave all their sins. All three of them received grace, and so do we. We are forgiven and blessed with grace.

Do I want to mess up? Do I aim to do wrong? Not usually. But, sadly, I do sometimes make mistakes. Looking at Peter, David and the Samaritan woman, I have good company. Peter denied God three times (Mark 14:66-72). David took another mans wife (2 Samuel 11) and the Samaritan woman had more than one husband (John 4:1-23). And it's not about whether their sins are greater than mine or vice versa (cause all sins are equal in Gods eyes). I don't have to fear disappointing Him--He already knows I will screw up. He knew Peter would deny Him, He knew the Samaritan woman had more than 1 husband. He knows that I am going to screw up. He has provided me a way to heaven, through Christ His Son.


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This is my first post in awhile. As busy as university life has been, it's also got my mind working again, and has inspired lots of thoughts/thinking. I make no promises about how long I'll be around on the interwebs, but for now, I think it's safe to say welcome back to Thoughts from SarahPee.

:]

Not one word has failed

I sit here on the couch* beneath piles of books on Theology. Books by CS Lewis, NT Wright, Max Lucado, Brennan Manning, Rob Bell, as well as other various assorted books on subjects that are too theological for my small brain to even begin to comprehend. I'm not really reading all these books... I've read some of them, and others I've attempted to read.

I am sitting here, chatting with people and working on other blog posts while pondering how wonderful God's mercies and promises are. I am constantly being reminded of how wonderful His love is for me and how beautifully it encompasses my very being.

"Not one word has failed of all the good promises He gave" 1 Kings 8:56

Recently I went through my Bible, reading all the different notes and papers that were nestled inside of it. A few things caught my eye...things that I wrote down in times when I had hit rock bottom, things that I had clung to with all my life in hopes of understanding the depth of God's Love for me and His purpose in everything that had happened.

I remember sitting down and writing on a piece of paper "What is God doing with me? Where is He in all of this? How does He see anything positive coming from me after this? Is this the end?"

These thought had consumed me for a long time as I tried to figure out the tangle of life. I felt alone, like there was no one who could understand me. Flipping through the pages once more I came across this note :
5/3/2005
Claiming the Promises of Ruth
-Childless, Widow, Moved to a new land
Met her husband and together they began a family that was the predecessor for something amazing.

When I wrote that, I was at a turning point, a place where God gently held me in His hands and reminded me that things will be better. And while hope fades in and out for me, His promises stay pure, stay true. He never waives in His mercy and love for us. He never fails. He never forgets.

Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. Psalm 126:5

Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Galatians 6:9
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

I am reminded ever so gently and constantly that a) God has a purpose for my life b) God is the restorer and sustainer of my joy and c) God's promises stand true. Just a random post to voice how much I am in love with God lately.

*location changes, depending on what other things I'm doing at the moment.

To Break the Silence

So funny story. When I started writing this morning, it was just going to be an intro into a different post. But it kinda flowed. Maybe it's because I'm half asleep and so writing 'poetry' is easier than full/complete sentences. But... It's honest and straight from the heart. 2 minutes of typing as I shivered from the cold breeze coming through the window. Hope it's worth something to you.

I haven't posted in awhile.

I haven't written in a longer time.

I don't know why.
No words are with me in this moment.
No thoughts are exactly strong enough to break through the wall.
What fed me in the past? The need to understand.
The yearning to know, to feel, to be.
I wrote about hope when I lost mine.
I wrote about strength and love when I needed some.

Things are different now.

This is not to say that I don't struggle; I do.
This is not to say that I know it all; I don't.
This is to say I've lost the constant craving for something to help me.

In the past, I felt I had no where to turn in my desperation.
Sleepless nights left me hungry,
daily struggles left me empty.
I needed something to fill the void.

But now...

I am satisfied.
Not with the good stuff, but with the mediocre.
Not full to the top, just enough to keep me going.
I'm not desperate, so I'm not searching.

I don't question because I'm scared of losing.
I don't wonder cause I want at least this.
And maybe if I tried to continue untangling the mess that is life...
Maybe I'd just get wrapped in it again.

Content with what I've got.

Now I don't mean that I don't see the chaos.
I don't mean that I don't see there can be better.
I just mean that, through the years, I've tried and tried to get this far,
To unravel knots and weave a little security together out of what I've learned.

And finally, I've got some.
Finally, I have some stable footing, with a net to catch me.

But do I trust it?
If I keep climbing up this mountain, who's to say I won't fall?
To trust this net I've woven is like...
Well, I don't know, but I know that I don't like it.

So, why trust it?

Why don't I just stop, enjoy the view.
I've come this far, and that's fine with me.
Sure, I could go farther, but it's comfy here.
Kinda cozy actually.

And sure, maybe there's a reason I should keep pushing.
Maybe there's something special wrapped up in this tangle of life.
But for now, I'm happy with this ball of knots I'm holding.
It's special to me, almost 'cool' in the coolest sense of the word.

So why push?

I've written so many times not to stay content, to live with purpose,
But have I ever been content?
Maybe, as I unwrap this intricate weave of gnarled string,
It's wrapping itself around me.

It's nice here.

I'm content.

Why strive for more?

Power

It strengthens me, knowing you think of me every day. I feel your care and concern in every part of my life. I'm not always appreciative or kind enough to you, but you always greet me with open arms. My silliness somehow makes you laugh, my problems make you cry, and my successes please you more than I.
It seems as though you are an answer to the prayers of my soul, a kindred spirit directed here to lighten my load. You comprehend me even when I can't fathom myself, and decipher my every glance or grunt. You know me better than I know myself, and the love you give me bolsters my bleeding self-image.
I could never deserve you or thank you enough for the godsend you are in my life.
I've lost track of how many times you've showed me the way, and it is through your steadfast efforts to show Gods love that I brave each harrowing day.

There is a sacredness in tears: they are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, and of unspeakable love.  - Washington Irving

Photography

Focus can drastically change a picture.

The power a photographer has to place one part of a photograph in focus and leave another part dramatically blurred is impressive. The entire look of an image, and the accompanying emotion that is therefore aroused, can shift simply based on what the photographer chooses to focus on when looking through the viewfinder of the camera.

There are almost endless ways a photographer could choose to capture a scene, with the one main limitation being that the real-life scene does not change. Having a background (or foreground) fade into a blur is a deliberate choice by the photographer, depending on the look they are going for.

You may have guessed by now that this post is not actually about photography. I don’t pretend to be an expert on photography, although I do know some basics, such as the ‘rule of thirds’, setting your aperture and utilizing natural lighting. But, that’s aside the point. One thing I do have a fair amount of experience in is Life, and Life as a walk of faith.

Just like how choosing the focus point for a picture sets the mood for a photograph, what and who I choose to focus on in my life will always affect the mood for my emotional well being.

Imagine that. The Word of God seems to be true once again. "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." Proverbs 29:25

As an example, the past year has been a time of great struggle as well as vast amounts of healing. However, in the few months or so, things seemed to go downhill for me, and I found myself at the bottom of a dark pit...

My focus was off.

It started with a simple mistake that all of us make now and then. I, unfortunately, tend to do it a lot, but thankfully, God has placed people in my life to hold me accountable... Instead of focusing on what was going well, and how blessed my life is, I did the opposite. I started to really highlight all the bad in my life, and those bad sports became the focus of my attention. Sadly, by choosing to see in crystal clear the things that got me down, I only made matters worse.

In essence, it was a real life example the Pygmalion effect (which I learned about when reading a book a few years back). A self-fulfilling prophesy, in other words. The more I chose to focus on my life struggles, the more struggles were all I could see. The fact that I was obsessing about these struggles made me feel like I was in a hopeless situation, where bad would just follow bad. The thoughts tainted my mind, and it started to change the way I thought about myself.

What a sad, miserable way to life.

And, while I have by no means arrived, my growth curve during the few weeks has been steep. I can look back with a tiny bit of hindsight and see that choosing to focus on only what was going badly in my life actually made the experience drastically less happy, and a lot harder.

How ironic. How misguided. How backwards.

A ginormous lesson that God has been trying to teach me over the course of the past year (and past week) relates to my focus. What an amazing difference it has made already in my life to choose to set my sights only on what is going to uplift me as I navigate through life.

Indeed, it "is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." Psalm 118:8
How much more amazing in my life, simply when I choose to see those amazing things clearly, not allowing them to be muddled by me focusing on what areas of that are still a bit off. I think of my loved ones, and generally try to think of the for their best intentions and not remembered for their worst moments. Why wouldn't I do the same for my life?

But don't take my word for it. In the Bible, Paul exhorts the believers in Philippi by saying, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things." Philippians 4:8

What a wonderful mantra I would do well to continue to remember. Taking the high road will not always be easy for me. I fail to keep my focus where it should be more times than I'd like to recount here.

But, even in just a few days of really trying to stay positive, between what I have experienced and what others have told me, I can attest to the fact that striving to have our focus in the right place is most certainly worth it.

May 8th, A good day

I had a really really really great afternoon.
This afternoon was the best part of my week.
So far, it's been the best part of May.
And the people who made it so awesome probably don't even know I loved it.

I was at the library this afternoon, and there was a small 'good-bye' party for Matt, even though he is working tomorrow and has a shift there on Tuesday... It was a 'Good-bye Matt and see you on Tuesday!' party.

ANYWAY, the librarians at Central were having a party (an excuse to eat cake/cookies/chocolate covered strawberres) and they invited me!
Not only did they invite me, but they talked to me!

Librarians and people who worked at the library made me feel right at home (which is suiting, as I spend almost as much time at the library as I do at home...) But, seriously, it was so AWESOME. Like, just being invited to come to their special little get-together, and then be acknowledged... Sounds like I'm really lame or something, but it was seriously the highlight of my week.

:]

I'm glad it happened. I'll stop sharing how AMAZING my afternoon was, because I'm sure all of you are jealous now. I just needed to tell someone how much I love the library and how awesome it, and the people there, are.

Oh, and did anyone notice the beautiful sunshine today? Definitely longboarded home from the library, which added to the awesomeness of the day. :]

Results 1 - 10 of about 130,000,000 for efficiency. (0.10 seconds)

I was sitting the other day, enjoying the sunshine and thinking, with questions popping into my head. Questions like 'Why can't God heal people faster?' or 'Why can't He make things "better" or at least "easier"?'. I sat and contemplated why, and suddenly I realized...

God isn't exactly about efficiency. It doesn't really seem like He has much of a deadline.

I was looking through my bible for some idea's on efficiency, and what Scripture has to say about it, when I came across something I have read many times, but thought of in a new way... Let me tell you a story. A long time ago (in a galaxy far far away)...

God had a chat with Abraham, and he said (roughly) "Let's get this small group of people to live a life of joy and justice, and then others, fascinated by their love for each other, will join them. And eventually, over time, the whole world will return to loving me"

That little chat happened a very long time ago, and in my opinion, not much has changed since.
God, being God, could've easily just have said in a big booming voice, 'Everybody love me' just as easily as He said 'Let there be light'. So, why didn't he? Seems like that would be so much easier, just to quickly have things the way He wants them to be.

God isn't like that, not at all.

The most efficient example I can think of from God's works would be The Flood, aka Noah's Ark. The world was a bad place, and He kinda wanted to change that. I like to think of it as a do-over. Nice and efficient, wipe out people, start from square 1.

Most of us know the outcome of that story. He vowed NEVER to do it again.

* * *

The world today is so good at being efficient. I can get the definition of "efficient" on Google in 0.17 seconds. I can go to my TV and replay they 30 seconds of the show I missed because I was texting my friends about studying together online in an hour. It seems to work so well, but...

When efficiency is the top priority when dealing with conflict and justice, violence is almost always the outcome.
Not good.
Not God.

When unlimited wealth or personal gain is the goal (which seems to be a big theme in the world today), efficiency becomes the method. When efficiency is the method, exploitation is often a result.

Exploitation is NOT love. And God is not about exploitation at all.

So, if God isn't going to use the most efficient way to get people to love Him, how does He do it?
The answer: Relationships.

He asks us to have a relationship with Him, and asks us to have loving relationships with others.

Face-to-face, real life relationships are more loving than a big booming voice. It's more personal and intimate than forced adoration. By dealing with other people, you experience life and struggles, and your focus is on the person you are talking with, instead of having 6 MSN chats with people from all around the world, while watching your favourite TV show, playing solitaire and filing your taxes.

I think it says something that we value efficiency so much, but it doesn't seem to be high on God's agenda… We always want the newest iPod, that holds so much more music so we have more choice, and have a longer battery life; or we choose to go on the computer to chat with friends while doing work instead of spending time in Creation.

There’s definitely a reason why God didn’t just do it the easy, efficient way. Maybe we should pay more attention.

a small twist

When I was younger, I used to love roller coasters. The first time I can remember going on one was at Disneyland, in Grade 3. No big twists or turns on those guys, but I loved them. The adrenaline rush was something I had never experienced before, and I couldn't get enough. West Ed mall, I was going on every roller coaster I could. Upside-down, backwards, you name it, I did it. Then, as I got older, I started seeing them differently. I liked having my feet on the ground, and my body would ache after I got off a ride... Finally, a few years ago, at La Ronde in Montreal, I decided I didn't like roller coasters. I'll still ride them, but I don't enjoy them. I hate them.

I write this because I feel like I am on a roller coaster. I know it's such a cliche, but it such a perfect representation of my emotions. Some days I'm not on a roller coaster, and my feet are planted on the ground. Some days though... One minute I am o.k, the next; a mess. I'll be having a great day and suddenly something "just isn't right" and I just break down crying. Today it happened when I woke up from a nap and my shirt was twisted around me, and I couldn't untwist it. Bam. Tears. Seriously?! Just one little poke and the flood gates were opened.

The fact I do this is frustrating, which just makes me cry a little harder. I'm ready to get off this roller coaster.

One day I will wake up and laugh about my shirt being twisted.
Lord, I look forward to that day.