Why am I not asleep?

Word of warning: I am very drugged. Pain killers are powerful. Sentences may be incomplete and ideas may be all over the place. Good luck, and God bless.

So. It's been awhile.
I've been struggling a lot lately.
I'm unfamiliar with anger, but over the past while, me and >:[ have become close friends.
I've been less patient, more judgmental, and quite self-centered. Aaaand I've been spending a fair amount of time complaining.

During times like this I ask myself - "Why would God want a relationship with a terrible person like me? Why doesn't He do Himself a favor and just forget about me and move on?"

This is common for me to feel this way. I usually jump around between 3 different mind sets...
1. The previous stated, feeling loved by God, but knowing I don't deserve it--angry
2. feeling loved by God, feeling loving towards God--hopeful and praising
3. feeling forgotten by God, unable to find Him--doomed and destructive

This mood (#1) kinda baffles me... I know God's here, and that He loves me... But I don't want Him to love me, because I want justice, and I want the world to be fair. I don't deserve His love. Screw God's mercy. We're bad people and God is good so that's that.

Thankfully for me (and for you), I don't get to choose what God is like. Otherwise I would've already been struck down by lightning long ago.

During all these different 'stages' or 'moods', whether good or bad, my faith strongly consists of two things: patience and hope. They can also be called the past and the future.
I patiently look back to my past to see the evidence of what God has already done in my life, as a way of gaining confidence (and hope) that He might do it again in the future. (This also reminds me that for Him to do it again, He's gotta be part of my life, so I don't want that to change)

Because there is sometimes very little evidence of God's presence in the present, I have to look back and realize that He's been there all along.
He was there when I was little.
He was there when I was born.
He was there with every person who felt lost or forgotten that we all read about in the Bible.

Chances are, if He was there then, He's here now.
But why doesn't it seem that obvious?
Why is that so hard for me to accept?
Even though I have no doubt that He was with me yesterday and all days before, I somehow question whether He's here with me today.

* * *

The famed spiritual director Fénelon advised his students that in difficult times, "Prayer may be less easy, the Presence of God less evident and less comforting, and outward duties may be harder and less acceptable, but the faithfulness that accompanies them is greater, and that is enough for God"

* * *

I am scared of a lot of things. Some people would call me paranoid. But, my fears have taught me many lessons... Here's one of them.

It's much easier to act your way into feelings than feel your way into actions.

Complicated, I know. But here's how it works...
I'm terrified of the dark. I used to (and will sometimes still) sleep with all the lights in my room on--overhead light, nightlights, lava lamps, reading lamps... My fear was to a point where I could not walk from my front door to the car at night.

I couldn't get over my fear. And yet, I needed to be able to function at night. So, I started acting like I had no fear. I told myself I wasn't afraid and I forced myself to function, even if it was pitch back (sometimes I still froze/panicked--we all slip up sometimes). Every night, lying in bed, I repeated over and over "I'm not afraid. There's nothing to be scared of. I'm not afraid." Eventually, my mind started to shift a bit... I was actually less scared, all because I had forced myself to act less scared (praying a lot probably helped too). Taking an active roll in my life and making a conscious decision to change is probably more effective/efficient than waiting for a miracle and to suddenly be fearless (not that I don't believe it could happen!)

So, that got me thinking... Could I do the same thing with other feelings? Possibly. If I didn't like hockey, but I forced myself to watch it every single night, I might eventually enjoy it. But what about life stuff, like being overly self-critical, or forgiving others? And is it worth the trouble? Why not just live in fear, or constantly beat ourselves up, or live with hatred towards someone?
Because God doesn't want us to do that.

Can I act my way into feeling forgiveness? If I wake up every morning I force myself to say "I forgive ____", I may actually eventually forgive them. Is that easier that just letting anger towards them eat you up? Heck no. It's definitely a lot harder (see quote above). But who said being a Christian was easy? God doesn't want us to be content with who we are and how the world is.

It's interesting... That change in one behavior creates change in another... By acting one way, I can actually become it, or more like it. I think my relationship with God is similar to this... It would be cool if my obedience and 'goodness' came naturally and I just wanted to praise God and do the Right Thing all the time... But, really, I'm not like that AT ALL. For me personally, the 'life of faith' sometimes is me forcing myself to do things, or acting as if I'm certain the whole "Jesus loves me" thing is true. I assume that God really does love me completely, and that nothing I can do will change that, that in the end good will beat evil, and that the broken and fallen can be redeemed... But I have no sure evidence of such truths and the only thing that keeps me believing them sometimes is this seed deep-down inside of me that I cannot deny... So, even in doubts, I (try to) act as if God is a loving Father, I (try to) treat the people around me like they really were created in God's imagine, and I (try to) forgive those who wrong me as if God as forgiven me....

Christianity has always kinda seemed backwards to me... Trust and obedience come first, and knowledge comes after.

* * *

"Choosing to believe is believing. It's all I can do: choose ... I do not affirm that I am without doubt, I do but ask for help, having chosen, to overcome it. I do but say: Lord, I believe--help Thou mine unbelief." - Sheldon Vanauken A Severe Mercy