This is what my reality looks like...

Psalm 103:1-4

Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.


I have struggled so much in the last few years... Struggled with my self-esteem, struggled with how I see God, struggled with feeling so alone... Struggled with things I didn't have any control over, and things I caused. Struggled with things I didn't(and don't) even know I'm struggling with...

My mind has run rampant with pure and utter hatred that life isn't fair, and there isn't a logical reason for everything that happens. I've wrestled with the question 'why' and then 'why not' and still don't really have a grasp on any answers. I have felt a brokenness within me, that if not contained could very well break my spirit and leave me a shattered-shadow of a person.

As you can see, its been pretty rough.

Now I realize that its all a mixture of natural human emotion and very specific spiritual warfare... And in keeping that in mind, I know that I have to keep my eye on the prize, that I have to keep praising my God. I look at Job, and he refused to "curse God and die"...he kept his eyes towards heaven. I look within myself and see an ocean of possibilities and my only hope in this is God. So as I enter into what I am hoping to be a big turning point for me, I'm going to stand firm on God's truth that "sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning". I believe God is challenging me to hold on to my dreams and keep them close to my heart... Despite present circumstances.

So...what dreams am I holding on to.
At the moment... I don't know. I guess I want to grow up. I want to live close to my family and friends. I want to learn how to let myself smile again. My view has been clouded for so long but I promise you, that the sky is breaking and I can start to see the sun shine. I want to know people, be involved in their lives, listen to them and care about them. I want to be an example of God's Love to everyone around me. I want to love others, and I want to love myself...

So I can choose to be completely misreable and sad, and slide back into grieving...or I can choose to hold tight to my dreams, and get buckled in...because once you choose to believe in your dreams, God takes you on a wild ride. I'm sure that they'll be a few set-backs along the way, probably all due to me taking my eye off the prize...

But for now, I've shed enough tears... I'm choosing to buckle my seatbelt.